First, my thanks. Thank you so much. All of you. I can't even express the thanks in this font or any other font. My sentiment does not fit into type but please feel just a little bit of my appreciation through this script connecting us. And extra-special thanks to those who contacted me on facebook and left me beautiful email messages. I am extremely unworthy of your care but thank you for caring anyway.
Secondly, my apologies. I am so sorry for just... walking away essentially. I hate it when people do it to me but I am clearly not a stranger to that exact same activity when I feel life is too 'hard' to face. I was told before I left school that I am not 'serious' enough and I've realized the magnitude of this. You are all wonderful and truly the most special people in my life but even here I can't stop being wrapped up in myself long enough to contribute to others lives when it's not convenient for me. Sorry, sorry, sorry forever. Sorry for any part of your lives I've missed and not contributed a kind word too. Sorry for the time you may have spend wondering if I was still alive or not. Please forgive me.
Thirdly, my explanation. Rough patch. Used for sex and then ignored. Told I am terrible at the only thing I thought I was good at. Loss of confidence. Attempt to forget everything by avoiding anything that even remotely reminds me of my failure as a person. Nutella covered jumbo marshmellows: that's what true sin tastes like. Avoid mirrors: my reflection is a hell for my transgressions. I have no excuses, just answers.
Where I am now: back at the beginning, did not pass go or collect 200 dollars. Tomorrow I will start regularly reading and commenting on your blogs again. I would at least like to be serious towards what is important in my life. I will try to post regularly too but this hurts. It hurts to face myself and I'm scared to do it. But I need to, there is no improvement without acknowledgment of the problem.
— The Mad Hatter
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11 Curtsies:
MUUFFFFIIIIINNN!!!! I'm so glad you're back!
You never need to apologize to us. We all know what it's like when things are really bad. <3
Whoever told you that you're terrible should be publicly tortured.
We're here for you, as you try to face yourself. It's the Self that's hardest to face, I think. But you're brave, and you're fabulous, so I know you'll be ok in the end.
xoxo
Ara! Shibaraku des!
I second everything Mich said.
And I add this: courage isn't constant; it comes in waves, and that's ok. The part where you hunker down with your eyes squeezed shut until the really scary parts pass, well, that's all a part of the process, too. It's where you collect your resolve and steel yourself to go through whatever else may come.
I'm glad you're back, for however long you're back. And if you disappear again, I'll email and generally e-stalk you again. It's all good. ;p
Finally you're back.(:
Three days ago I thought about you and how sad your last post was and that you haven't posted anything since then, this somehow worried me.
Hopefully you'll be able to post more often, even if it's hard. We all now how it feels so let us lend you some strengh.
xx Bella
Oh thank goodness. I thought you had come to some glorious poetic end without telling me.
Thank GOODNESS.
Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.
You have been thoroughly missed, my dear, and my blogging life is that much richer with your return.
All my love,
Adeline xx
Hooray!
Oh lovely, I can't speak for everyone but I do think the majority of us understand that burning need to just disappear sometimes, even from those closest to us. The fact that you come back despite your fear and pain is what makes you strong. I could never be angry at you for that.
That guy needs to die. I don't even know what else to say. Sometimes I think its a good thing I don't know where most of my friends live >.> I'd become a murder every time someone made you hurt..
I did read that book when I was little! The girl in the wall? Her dad was 'lost' in the library, she so small she bathed in the sink and all of that.. its most of the reason I never minded being so short, I could fit in little places like her. I loved that book so much, I wonder whatever happened to it?
*hug* I hope someday I'll be able to give you a real hug.
I've come to award you your 5pt bonus...haha you're totally right. The turqoise ring is indeed the one I gifted him.
As far as being active goes, it comes in spurts and weird waves. Today I feel lethargic. haha But in general I've always been athletic and kind of hyperactive. I think it's genetic. My aunt is an aerobics/pilates instructor and has been for the past like...30 straight years.
I hope your summer will be a season of rejuvenation for you. :)
I demand spider stories!!!
Pretty please? :D
Sweet Tai,
So happy you have returned! Never feel the need to apologize!
i am so very sorry about the horrible things that have happened to you...my heart hurts for you.
Thank you for the lovely thought you left on my "blob", it truly means so much to me!
(In St. George with Mum, Hub and Son for a day with a computer that actually lets me comment...!)
Loves to you,
tracy
HI I WAS THINKIN BOUT YOU AN I WANNA LET YOU KNOW I LOVES YOUUUUUU
=D
<3
Babe, I just wanted to say hi. :) how are you?
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