Answers first:
@A- I'm not vegan but I'm trying hard to be! Eventually I would like to be a mostly raw vegan.
@Kazehana- she reminds me very much of Siouxsie and the Banshees. I also like that band.
Forgive me for not commenting tonight lovely bloggers, I will read but I don't have the heart to say anything.
The following rambling only goes to illustrate what a sick and unhealthy person I am. Please read this cautionary tale at your own risk.
welcome to the freak show
I had my date today and kept in mind that my new rules are not to fuck guys that don't buy me a meal first or know my name. I only broke one of those rules. After he bought me a salad I went back to his place and lost whatever little self-respect I had left for myself. I am a whore. A complacent whore. I let him fuck me in the ass and I didn't want to. It hurt and I was hoping he would stop but he didn't so I just went along with it. Today I realized that I have an inability to say no. I just can't bring myself to do it. So even though all of these men are nice and willing to stop at any time I just.... let them. And what's worse, I act as though I were really into it and loving them for it when really, I'm a million miles away waiting for this to end. I don't know what I expect. Not affection, not fireworks, just... whatever. I don't know. I'm just existing saying yes to whoever shows interest and asks or doesn't ask, doesn't matter. I wish I could stop raping myself with other people. It's not right. It's sick. I want to cry.
I didn't get enough sleep yesterday so only 70 points today. Won't get any sleep tonight either so I will aim for 70 points tomorrow.
The Week of April 10th, 2011
Starting Weight: 133
Current Weight: 128.5
The Five Step Program:
I : 120 {Medal: New Makeup}
II: 110 {Medal: Cut stuffed animal and a brand name item}
III: 105 {Medal: Full wax and spa day}
IV: 100 {Medal: New Shoes and Piercings}
V: 93 {Medal: New Wardrobe}
Last Week: What went well?
*Increased running length to 2 hours
*Challenged myself in the gym to new things
*Didn't binge
Last Week: What went wrong?
*Didn't get enough of a head start on my schoolwork
*Didn't wake up early enough
*Was a whore
This Week's Goals
*Increase running time to 4 minute intervals on a 2.0 grade
*Go to gym 6 days out of the week and go hiking on Sunday
*Try to do schoolwork the day before and get to bed early
The God of April: Get down to at least 110, preferably 105. And... I'm just gonna say it... make this a no binge month.
Posts
26 Curtsies:
I am like you too, in the 'not knowing how to say no' part.
I often don't know how to reject and get along with what they want. And that's the reason i got into so many failure relationships with some jerks.
It's okay, you just have to buck up yourself and say how you feel. Sometimes saying no helps you a bundle.
we all sabotage ourselves in some way - isn't that what a lot of us face with food? just as you're doing well, you binge - thinking 'well i don't deserve to be thin anyway'
but sabotaging yourself in this way is just dangerous darling. you're not a whore, and you mustn't call yourself that or you'll always feel terrible. but imagine how the boy would feel if you knew you didn't want it and that he was hurting you. he would probably be upset and ashamed - the way you feel now.
sometimes you have to physically say 'no' body language and gesture can be enough. if you don't want to do something, maybe just 're-direct the action' to something else?
I wish I could help more, but all I can tell you is that you are not worthless, and you are not a freak or a whore.
most people are more fucked up than we think - you're not alone xxxxxxx
sorry I meant you *don't* have to physically say no x
I hate it when i read things like this, although i can't say anything as i also will do anything for a guy who shows the faintest amount of interest, your not the only one sweet, we're here for you xx
oh no girl i am so sorry. i know EXACTLY what you are saying and i can empathize. I've done the same things. I've made a promise to myself after the last time this happened to me to stop the vicious cycle. I figured out I was sort of punishing myself and depreciating my self worth. I thought that I wan't worth it so I wouldn't act like I was. But I have realized I AM worth it and MORE. And so are YOU! So stop punishing yourself. You don't deserve it. You will find a guy who will love and respect you. Waiting sucks but sometimes it's the only way.
Now that's in the past and the past is the past. Nothing left to do but move forward. Live and learn... but always keep moving forward. No more circles ok?
<3
You are strong
I'm like that too. I've never had sex with someone who I was dating and usually its people who are only using me and want no relationship with me whatsoever. In the back of my head I know this but pretend to be blind to it. I wish you wouldn't have done that. Ass fucking is painful, I haven't done it yet, but my friend is a stripper thus (being totally stereotypical) shes a freak. I hope you used lube at least. Its okay about being a whore one of my favorite songs says "we're all whores, some of us just get paid". I love you don't let people use you to hurt yourself.
<3
Oh i'm so sorry, my dove, if you are feeling this way... i'm so sorry that i cannot do anything to help you, or say enough to help ease the pain... you are not a whore... you are not someone stupid... please do not think of that anymore... i love you... i love you... if only these words can make you feel better, if not, less hurt.
be strong, dove. please, be well.
p.s. i am sorry for this comment is kinda late... i am having problems with my computer... argh. seriously killing me.
I really know this way of self-harming but please, for your own sake, stop it.
You should know you are precious and so is your body.
It mighy get better if you can find a relly nice guy and stay with him for a while.
In my case I found my very lovely boyfriend and he's always so sweet that I have no chance to harm myself with that.
It also gets better over the time after you found someone really nice.
good luck :*
You're not a whore!! I'm sorry you had a bad date. :( I think a lot of us have those self-raping habits, they just manifest themselves in different ways. And they're tough habits to break. I feel the same way as you about sex--I'll do it and pretend I'm into it, but most of the time I'm just sitting there thinking "are you done yet?!?"
Hope you're having a good week, luv. You're beautiful!! Don't let anyone tell you different. <3
xoxo
Oh love,
You need to find another way. Practice saying no, imagine all the situations you've been in and polite, easy ways to get out of them. All we need is some strength. Saying 'no' is always so hard. You need a strategy.
You are so beautiful and you deserve a boy who sees that, you need to show them you're worth more than a quick fuck because you are, so much more. You also need to let go of all the times you've failed to say no. That's perhaps the hardest part. To remember, yet chose to walk a different path.
Too much rambling, sorry.
I will join you in a no-binge April, from now on. Strength by numbers. <3
Oh, Sweetie, i'm so, so sorry about what happened. As another commenter mentioned, it seems like you really wanted to hurt yourself. Please know how important and lovely you are, you DO Not deserve that kind of treatment, you deserve to be loved and cherished. i can tell what a good and loving person you are, you are always there for others, now please be there for you and take care of yourself, okay?
Sending much love,
tracy
Keep your chin up girl - you are better than that.
I want to give you a big hug...
empower yourself Tai!! read the last sentence of your previous post: YOU wanted to get laid, you are the stud, you have the power. And you got what you wanted! Sex is a vital part of life, don't ever feel you are a whore for being human.
Doing something you don't want to, or that is painful, is a different story. I believe you CAN say no and WILL next time -- or at least slow things down to the point where you feel pleasure instead of pain.
Turn the tables! it's all in your perception -- whether it was a great time vs. a shameful time
I'm glad you're doing so well with the exercise. That's where most girls seem to fail. Have you spoken to this guy since then? Maybe it would help to lay all your cards out on the table in a casual setting. Don't call yourself a whore either.
I want you to know I read this entry like 12 times...but I can't bring myself to leave a detailed comment. I'll email you.
xo
ALSO, I think I might be a lipbalm addict. I have a tube in every single purse/back pack/gym bag I own.
I have a no problem too... I've lost a lot of potentially good friends because instead of telling them no I stopped going near them.. it's hard.. I wish I could hug you. Maybe try avoiding getting into a position where something might happen until you want it to? Like, suggest a movie or park date instead of going to your/their house. You're not a whore love, you've got low self esteem and difficulty putting yourself first.. that doesn't make you a whore. I only feel like I can say that because I'm the same way and only recently am starting to tell myself this. Darling, you are wonderful and very worthy.
Aw. I'm sorry.
:(
Hey girl, you haven't posted all week - everything ok?
love.
hope you're okay.
xo
my sweet, i just thought i have to say hello... hope everything's fine, though. hope you'll post soon :)
love you :)
hey Tai, you haven't posted in awhile, just stopping by to see how you're doing. Hope everything is going well for you.
~ H
p.s. love, i added you to my list of feathers.
WHERE ARE YOU!?!??
:*(
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
are you unwell? do you yet live? have you quit this scene?
my thoughts are with you, I miss your style...
x0
darling, it's been a month. hope everything is well.
i love you dearly.
COME BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!
:*(
At least just to let us know that you're ok.
Miss you. Like a lot.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
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