Fast as I can

Breakfast: {0}
Lunch: {0}
Dinner: {0}

Fasting Day 2 = Success ♥

I have to start off by saying thank you guys for your wonderful comments on my blog! I'm so silly for not realized that it was disabled. Short people, Haruka/Michiru action, and Aristotle all rock. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all as well!

I had a rather nice fasting day today as well. There was no pressure to eat and even though my roommate ordered a pizza I had not the slightest temptation to eat any! I am hoping to extend my fast through Monday. I promised to go out to Breakfast with my roommates Tuesday morning so hopefully I can starve until then and my stomach will be too small to do too much damage.  On Wednesday we will be going to a spa and visiting the open-air bath where for $20 you get all day access. I have been missing a good sauna and soak! The fast is also so that I won't be such an awful object to look at naked. I think it's strange that even though I think I'm a terrible tribute to the aesthetic, I don't really care about being naked in front of people. I even enjoy it. I can remember in high school taking that last glace in the mirror before going to class and thinking, "Well.... who cares. I'm not the one that has to look at me all day. It's their problem now." What a bizarre way to cope. How do you all feel about public nudity?

Classes are officially over for me, I just have a few more conferences and a some papers to write. I am frantically trying to come up with a plan for Christmas break. I know that if I go on my regular "deny all carnal pleasures" kick I am going to end up deciding I don't care if I'm fat since I'm going to die alone anyways, and then I'm going to eat everything with in a 2000 mile radius. I don't want that to happen. I want to come back to school significantly thinner then when I left. My plan is to go on a food tour with my sister, an 89 pound glutton, and just order something small and healthy for myself while taking small tastes of whatever it is she is eating. That way, I will be able to get a taste of all the things I love without turning into a blimp. In between I will fast as much as possible and try to stock the house with fresh fruit and vegetables. I would also like to buy a one month membership to a gym somewhere. Then I have a good excuse to get out of the house and work off any extra poundage I might accrue!

Yesterday I missed my dosage of medication and spent the night in an anxietous depression. I ended up watching some specials about eating disorders on youtube and it made me so sad. Not necessarily about what they were doing, who am I to judge, but regarding how I had the strong impression that I could tell exactly how they were feeling. Amidst all their words and smiles; their hopes for the future, fears, and social interactions I felt that I could hear their inner thoughts. I knew when they put on a smile to make those around them feel comfortable, when they lied to their therapists.  And I thought, we are such sad, lonely people. And the saddest part is no one will ever know. I remember telling my mom about my constant depression last year and she told me that she had never seen any of it except a brief period in junior high. I had always been a happy child. It's funny how we have two completely different realities. I can cross the bridge over to their world and masquerade as their daughter, friend, or companion but they can never get into mine. I wonder if it's a sort of astral projection? At any rate I want to all to know that if any of you ever need to talk about anything I would be more than glad to offer an ear. I'm not really good at being compassionate or understanding others but I am still willing to listen as much as you need me to and do what I can to make the ache in our hearts even one iota less.

But enough of this sad Pathos. Let's end on an up-note! This song is very special to me. I have it memorized and sing it to myself sometimes. It's like a personal lullaby.

Sweet Dreams