Intake: Fasting for my own well-being
Thank you so much everyone for your comments and advice yesterday they really helped. Here's what happened. I had three pieces of pizza and then couldn't purge them. This would normally not send me over the edge but I quit taking zoloft "cold turkey" aka "bad idea" and ended up freaking out. The theme for this particular anxiety attack? 'I'm never going to be perfect'. I threw a crazy ass temper tantrum all over the house. slamming my fist and legs into walls, jumping up and down, screaming and crying, rolling around. I have a lump on my forehead from banging my head into various walls. Don't ever do this if you are upset. I am nauseous as hell and I have a terrible headache. Eventually someone found me and dragged me down to the counseling office where I commenced my new favorite hobby--lying to my therapist.
"I have no idea why this happened. Of course I'm still taking the zoloft. No I'm not thinking of hurting myself. Yes, I'm sure this was just a one time thing. I feel much better now."
To quote from the illustrious Panic at the Disco-- "Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off."
Woke up this morning determined to fast and commenced online impulse shopping. Bought three dresses in the size I hope to fit into before spring break, two pairs of shoes, and stopped only when I realized I still have to pay to send my transfers to the school I'm applying to. I have 40 dollars to my name and I'm blissfully okay with that. These dresses are hella cute, and I still want to buy a nice pair of brown ankle boots and some cute sandals. mmmm... self-medication....
I have decided that size three is my new maximum. Once I reach size three I will try my best to be content with that. I will still try to loose weight but I will not kill myself doing it. It's funny how that phrase starts taking on a rather sinister literal meaning the farther you go. At size three I will be about the same size as my sister. My self worth should be able to cope with that.
Also, Also! neverfit posted an awesome link for a show called Starved that came out in 2005 and was canceled after only 7 shows. Are they crazy? This is comedy gold! I encourage you all to click the link and watch. It's comedy therapy for the eating disordered.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Even though your heart is breaking.... laugh clown, laugh
And speaking of comedy therapy
skinny people just don't get it
Whispered by Tai at 11:03 AM
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Hope you post photos of your new dresses when they arrive. I went online summer dress shopping this morning as well. Have to do something at work to make me hate my job less!
And in answer to your question... I don't know if I could choose a fav pony! I suppose right now it's the new one.
....fav ever might be Lollipop:
http://www.amhenry.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=68448453
That whole set of six is amazing - the Twice as Fancy ponies. I think I like them best because of that book I had when I was 5.
Comment whorage...
I just watched that video now that I'm home and not on the work comp. Omg, his final comment about killing hookers made me crack up. I needed a good laugh!
I'm fasting today too and stopped taking pristiq a few weeks ago, without the advice of my doctor :O sounds like were in the same boat!
Although I am quite poor this month so no new dresses for me.
~ Harlow
Oh I love impulse shopping! I just spent $60 at BooksaMillion on random mangas and puzzles!
glad you survived the tantrum! i hate purging pizza eeeew. online shopping is my favorite way of avoiding my problems...hahaha.
holy crap I LOVE retail therapy. >_<
I got lucky this year...I actually *had* to buy a fuckton of clothes coz my old ones didn't fit anymore. I wish to god I was satisfied with being a size 3. I told myself I would be...I'm not. :/
and thanks for the hair compliment.
my hair isn't permed at all, it's totally natural and in that picture, just blown out, not flat ironed or anything which is why it's so voluminous. but I don't do chemicals anymore.
your tantrum description made me think of poltergeist, which then made me laugh on the inside. I hope that's alright with you. ;p
thank you so so much for that comment. like seriously. my eyes watered as i read it. we DO suffer together, albeit in different ways..we are a fucked up little sorority! love you too girl. i'm always here to talk as well. <3
hi Tai, I quite taking anti d's mainly bc I could tell they were screwing up my metabolism. After the first month of side effects I found I was still getting headaches all the time and then I started noticing I was getting MORE depressed/had bad thoughts X 10. Its been a few weeks since I've stopped and I'm a lot happier than when i was on the pristiq. It was a hell of a time quiting them, not pleasant. Go figure.
I'm currently waiting for therapy to start. MY dr always pushes the pills and never anything else.
~ Harlow
I've heard good things about st johns wort too I might have to invest in some.
Wow. We certainly have more than one thing in common; I always bang my head into walls when undergoing too much anxiety, too. Be careful, though, because a bruise/knot is one thing, but you might bang it too hard one day. Before going to my faraway grandmother's one New Year's Day, I slammed my head into the dining room table during a family argument. I cracked my forehead right onto he beveled edge of the wooden table and blood went everywhere. I had to wear a huge bandage on my head during the family festivities. It was . . . great.
I also LOVE impulse shopping online! haha.
&&& finally . . .
Thanks so much for commenting on my last post, you lovely girl! I took your advice for today's blog and included some of my favorite quotes from Thin. You should check them out. :)
Hello Tai,
Once again, thanks so much for posting on my blog!
i gave you the wrong title to the book....sorry!
It's actually called "Purge" and subtitled "rehab diaries", by Nicole Johns.
Sorry for the confusion!
i liked that show too :(
Needing people is part of being human that I've yet to be truly comfortable with. I'm working on being less emotionally avoidant and more open in general.
Shit is hard, though!
And just to clarify...lol he's not my BF, he's my BFF. Who does not live in my city or my state, but is in a band that is constantly on tour so I only see him in the flesh every few months. But yeah...nootttttt dating him. Ever. Never. ;p
Also, the stuff with him and me and skinny...well. There's a lot of entries about it. Bitchy entries. hahaha
You had no idea what kinda crazy hole your curiosity would land you in when you requested that invite, huh?
xo
You need to know how much your comment meant to me today. I was having such a crap day (and questioning if quitting pristiq was the smart thing to do),the kind of day where everything sucks and you just wish you had stayed curled up in bed. The fact that you took the time to read my post and left a comment was the highlight of my day.
Thank you.
H
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