Breakfast: Biscuit, fruit, tea - 174 calories
Oh my goodness ladies. I have so much to say and no time to say it in so I will just get what I can done and talk about the rest later. Please excuse the rushed language of this post, I should be typing a paper right now but my day is so busy that if I don't get this done now I will not get it done and I need the catharsis.
There are a lot of changes on the horizon for me and I'm not sure how I feel about them. What will I do? What is to be done? The biggest change is a switch in schools. I love my college. I love the program, I love the people, I love the tutors. For the first time in my life I am not a freak. My peers here may not accept my issues and weirdness but they give me the space to indulge them with minimal judgment. Unfortunately, I don't have the money to be here {it's one of the most expensive schools in America} and my parents have 'strongly encouraged' me to look elsewhere. I was able to find a program that mimics the one I'm in but it is in a huge university {I hate crowds and people} in the south {I'm from California and a hippie} and it simply won't be the same. Like Mario vs. Wario. Both of my parents are excited about me moving on to a school they more approve of.
Can I tell you that their happiness makes me angry?
I'm giving up a long-held and cherished dream and their rejoicing makes me want to vomit. I want to resist, I want to throw a tantrum, I want to cry and mourn for the things I am losing.
Can I tell you that their happiness makes me happy?
It's sick but somewhere in the pit of my heart I feel happy that they approve. I enjoy the sacrifice of my wishes if only they will turn and smile at me. I don't need to have anything for my self. My wants, my ego, all of that is expendable for their approval. I will gladly become the blank canvas on which they hang their expectations if only they will display me in their living rooms and admire how I complement the furniture.
So that is one part of my worries. I will post more on them later. In other news I was inspired by Mich's link regarding anorexia mirabilis to honor these saints in my own way. On their feast days {which will either be their death day, saint confirmation day, or both} I will honer their lives and struggles by fasting and some sort of tribute or celebration of my own. Tomorrow I will fast for Margaret of Cortona and write something of her in my blog. I am excited for this new tradition and I hope to do more research and make this something special to me in the future. Is this a fucked up thing to do? What do you guys think?
Okay, I will get some work done now. Love you guys and talk to you tomorrow.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Ch-ch-ch-ch-change-ees
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9 Curtsies:
i think that sounds awesome. good luck with your fast..i look forward to that post! as always thanks a mil for your wonderful comments. planning & writing down my food for the day IS a big help. definitely recommend that! good luck with the school switch..
hope you love love love it! i have heard kanye's 'new workout plan' & love that as well. he is amazingly talented, albeit conceited haha.
have a good week <3
Change is tough, especially when you're pretty comfortable where you are; but change is also what makes life so worth living I think. And I do believe that there is something ("higher power" sounds too trite) that pushes and pulls us in one direction or another for a good reason.
I don't think your fasting idea is f*cked up. I love the saints; it's such a fascinating piece of Catholicism. Anorexia mirabilis is pretty fascinating to me as well--I've been trying to research it more, but have not gotten very far....
<3 u
I've read this great book that is basically about Anorexia Mirabilis called Fasting Girls by joan jacobs brumberg. I definitely recommend it. its quite inspiring, but also feeds the nerd in me XP
It completely sucks that you have to change schools. Especially since you like your current one. But you're strong, and I'm sure you'll get through it okay. Maybe some new opportunities shall come out of it.
Good luck with everything!
Wow, I just read that link. I have heard about it before, but it's inspiring! I feel like that's what I need to do; to remember the ecstasy of being empty, of feeling connected to the world yet numb at the same time. This is about thinness, but it doesn't entirely have to be.
As for university, is there is anything I have learned so far in my life, it is to do what makes you happy. Don't EVER make a major decision for your parents' sake, or your boyfriend, or whoever. Do it for you.
If you want to go to that college bad enough, well, get a job, get a loan, get a scholarship. Make it happen :)
Love you xx
change is good :)
good luck.
xo
*hug* I hope you find some happiness of your own in your new school.. or a way to stay. Parents can be so terrible.. also, I'm sure the girls you are fasting for would approve ;)
i know how it is that strive for pleasing parents and hating that you want to do it even if you have to put yourself on the back burner. that's my parents and me all day every day
wow! thanks for the awesome recommendations! I ADORE fruitsbaskets i spent half a paycheck to buy the whole set!
xoxox
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