....Hehe, hoho to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time...

Breakfast: 1/4 cup oatmeal mixed with grits and a little honey, slice honeydew, 1/2 slice cantaloupe, 5 grapes, detox tea
Lunch: 1/2 bowl miso ramen, salad, earl grey tea, vegan cookie
Exercise: 30min yoga

Thank you all for your supportive comments; they mean the world to me. I just broke it off with the person I wasn't seeing and I post the spectacle for you to read. I thought he deserved a written response because on the whole he was very kind to me. {Usually I just drop off and pretend nothing ever happened}

Dear E. (or Dear John rather),

Sorry to be so remiss in answering your emails. I really appreciated them despite actions to the contrary. It has been an extremely rough week and the school in conjunction with the counselor has mandated me to seek professional help. Basically, I am not sick but not at all well. At this current time I really need to concentrate on keeping myself together and I don't think that beginning a relationship is a good idea until I figure out what's going on with me. Thank you so much for spending time with me, I really loved our conversation and maybe eventually we can be friends.

I wish you the best,
N.

Did I do alright? I hope it was enough and not too ungrateful. 

As it looks like this will be another lonely Valentines day I would like to take this opportunity to follow in Savanna's footsteps and ask you all: ♥ Would you be my Valentine this holiday? ♥ You are all special and irreplaceable to me and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have in my heart than you guys this Monday.  I am planning a special v-day-log so I hope you will tune in and spend some time with me, significant others or no.

Pretty, Please?

  

I begin by warning you that this next section is the second installment of "What I did over Blog Vacation" and will contain more of the pathetic whining and self pitying themes of the previous installment. After some debate I have decided to post this anyway because if I get it off my chest and talk about it maybe I will avoid a repeat of the same nauseating pattern. The next episode will be more uplifting, I promise. I apologize and understand if you cease to read at this point.

On the Voices in my Head

in which drama ensues

The Confessional: After my Mom regained herself enough to consider speaking to me again she asked why I suck so bad at school. In gentler terms of course. I explained it was a hard, tiring semester and I was depressed.  She suggested medication, I replied I was already on medication and therapy, there was silence. Out of this pregnant pause came the questions and accusations I knew would follow but dreaded all the same. 

"What is wrong with your generation? Why do you have so many problems? Is it the food? Is it me? Is it the divorce? Is it your father? Did something happen to you?"

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

 And then the obligatory: "You know I have problems and depression too, but I still have to get things done. I still have to keep moving on with my life."

yes, you are a far better person than i, yes

After that I met up with my aunt to have the same, albeit considerably less judgmental, conversation. Also, I was badgered into 'coming out.' {Ask me about my sexuality sometime, I don't defy stereotypes but I don't agree with them either} There was some long, drawn out, and partially hilarious drama involving my cousins, their brother's best friend, and exploits of a sexual nature. I decided I might as well come out to my sister and a few of them too. All supportive and not wholly surprised responses. All in all a pretty good experience.

The Creepening: Sometimes it hits me fast and hard. Sometimes it's slow and subtle, freezing my tips, then limbs, then heart. This time is was a slow, high wine that gradually grew into a deafening thunder. First, I stopped hanging out with my friends. Then, I wouldn't leave the house. Eventually, I stopped unnecessary speech altogether and lay around staring at blank canvases. The voices were still inaudible until I got back to school. Then the crescendo.

I            hate            you.          I   hate   you. I hate you. Ihateyou. Ihateyou.  Ihateyou. Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.Ihateyou.vIhateyou.Ihateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Theyhateyou.Everyonehatesyou.Youarenothingtonooneandyouwillalwayshaveemptiness.Die.Ceasetobe.Ceasetoexist.Releaseeveryonefromyournoxiouspresence.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.Disappear.DISAPPEAR

  

Like a constant headache this cacophonous refrain followed me, refusing to let me rest. It got to the point where I was sure even my stuffed animals couldn't stand me.

Don't worry, Caspian Aeneas Neptune loves me again ♥

Like a constant headache this cacophonous refrain followed me, refusing to let me rest. It got to the point where I was sure even my stuffed animals couldn't stand me.  Finally, the dripping slowed and stopped. I'm always surprised to be alive by the end of these anxiety fueled paranoia fits. The school called me in out of concern, mandated me to seek DBT for BPD {a diagnosis my therapist has yet to give me to my face} and today I will try and find some money to take care of this so they don't kick me out of school. Sorry to end on such a lame note, I will post something less depressing tomorrow!